Burned Bridges

I’ve burned a lot of bridges,
Mostly due to my selfishness,
Lack of appreciation for others,
Take for example what you did for me,
Supported me economically off and on up until the age of 27,

When I look in the mirror,
I can’t find myself,
Can’t find that loving child,
Who believed the world was his,
Who believed in kindness and sincerity,

Instead, I witness a reflection of paralysis,
I witness someone lost and paralyzed,
I witness someone who lost all feelings of empathy,
At least it seems that way,
How could it be if I am writing this letter of sorrow,

Never told you the truth,
I ran away to the Middle East,
In order to run away from hallucinations,
Studied in South Africa,
Praying Kat would leave me alone,

One of my two superior hallucinations,
Hear her voice and see her everywhere,
Her voice sounds like Judy’s,
In the beginning it was nurturing,
In the end it became torturous,

Painful it was to lie,
When I crashed Dad’s car,
If I remember correctly,
I said it was on accident,
Maybe out of anger,

Truthfully,
I crashed Dad’s car because of false beliefs,
Believed someone was trying to kill me,
The voices told me to speed up,
Or I will be shot,

We’ve been through a lot,
I can’t take any of it back,
But at least I should be able to explain myself,
I’m 27,
Isn’t that what adults are supposed to do,

Confused when I got married the first time,
Didn’t understand why,
I was alone and struggling,
Believed if I had support under my roof,
The symptoms would go away,

I never meant to ask for money,
Only wanted you to know the truth,
But I was afraid,
Believed you would throw me in a crazy house,
Been told all of my delusions are unrealistic,

I remember it started in high school,
Heard whispers coming from paintings,
YouTube clips and TV screens,
They talked to me directly,
Ordered me to kill myself nightly,

All those times I tried,
Swallowed pills, cut myself, ran away,
It wasn’t because you did something wrong,
No, it was me,
The voices told me to do so and I followed,

I know this won’t heal the wounds,
The pain, the scars will still be visible,
At least you know a little bit of what I am going through,
I never stopped loving both of you,
Even though it took me at least a year to call you mom and dad,

I’m sorry I let you down,
I never meant to be the reason why you cried,
If I could, I would wipe your tears away,
Wish you could say you were proud of me,
But I let you down and it is all my fault,

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