Dear Emily D.

Last night I dreamt,
Not sure what to think of your accent,
Sitting on a park bench,
Scent in the air caused me to repent,
Dare I suggest,
You have my consent,

(Emily appears)…

‘I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading – treading – till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through’

Maybe it is just life but I feel chained,

As if my brain has nothing to gain,
I could slay every fairy-tale creature,
Still I would question,
Whether Mark Twain was right,

(Emily continues)

‘My Life had stood – a Loaded Gun –
In Corners – till a Day
The Owner passed – identified –
And carried Me away -‘

It begun well before the age of critical thinking,
Long before I knew how heavy a hand-gun felt in my hands,

No matter how fast I run,
It is impossible to outrun,
Similar to Hemingway,
Should I reach for THE Shotgun,

(Emily and I look at each other. For what feels like an eternity)…

Asking,
Are you still there,
Your face has become unrecognizable,

The light in our eyes is waning,
The anger in our hearts is spreading,
The confusion in both of us is growing,

(I turn towards Emily)…

This pain won’t stop on its own,
Replace this ravaged soul,
I miss a world with magic,
This darkness is too much,

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My Next VLOG (mental health, stereotypes, Indonesia, graduate school)

In a couple days I will be uploading a new video (VLOG 21). Topics discussed will include mental health, stereotypes, Indonesia, graduate school, etc.

The past couple weeks I have learned a lot about myself and others. For example, I never realized how important medication was until I took notes and observed what happened around me (both on and off medication). I’ve been struggling these past couple weeks. The voices are trying to trick me into doing things I don’t want to do. My hallucinations are constantly occurring. While I teach, in the corner of the room I see the Bye Bye Man (for example).

Yes, we live in Indonesia. Do I have plans to return back home? No! How about graduate school? Someday, maybe? This is something I am pondering at the moment. I am two classes away from receiving my masters. If I return back home, I will have to pay up front at least 2000 dollars (previous tuition left unpaid).

Mental health in this country is a funny thing. Nobody talks about it and if they do demonic forces are brought up. Not the fact that the person is struggling and they don’t have a choice nor can they control the symptoms. For example, I can’t control the voices or hallucinations from coming and/or going. All I can do is to try to ground myself so I know the difference between reality and fiction.

These are the topics that will be discussed. Hopefully I will be able to stream live on Facebook as well as upload the video on YouTube!