Dear Mother

A day doesn’t go by that I don’t dream,
You never overdosed,
Mother, I wish you were here,
Able to guide me through all the obstacles,
Help me evade all the struggles I’ve faced,

I don’t know if you remember but I do,
That time I couldn’t fall asleep,
I was barely 4 years old,
Wore bedtime attire,
A skeleton costume,

You lifted me up on the kitchen counter,
Whispered in my ear,
‘Are you hungry’,
A smile stretched from west to east,

You fed me milk and cookies,
With side serving of love,
This was one of the good memories,
How about Christmas?

Even though father was abusive,
An Alcoholic,
Do you remember when he bought that blue night-gown,
You became angelic when it was worn,

A day doesn’t go by that I don’t dream,
You never overdosed,
Mother, I wish you were here,
Able to guide me through all the obstacles,
Help me evade all the struggles I’ve faced,

If you were alive,
I wouldn’t have your death as one of my memories,
Christmas day,
Thought you were sleeping,

A 5 year old child,
Not understanding the concept of life verses death,
Thought you were sleeping,
No idea purple lips meant death had arrived,

I laid with you for at least half an hour,
Not aware I was sleeping next to a dead body,
My children like voice received no answer,
After several attempts of ‘mommy wake up’,

A day doesn’t go by that I don’t dream,
You never overdosed,
Mother, I wish you were here,
Able to guide me through all the obstacles,
Help me evade all the struggles I’ve faced,

I have become a male version of you,
Mentally impaired,
Not sure what is real,
Can’t trust my own mind,

Afraid if the smallest detail is out of place,
Can’t trust elevators,
Food not cooked in front of me,
This misguided soul a lost mother’s rightful heir,

A day doesn’t go by that I don’t dream,
You never overdosed,
Mother, I wish you were here,
Able to guide me through all the obstacles,
Help me evade all the struggles I’ve faced,