My name Khalid. I have recently been diagnosed with schizophrenia. My biological mother was diagnosed in her 20’s. The reason why I am writing this letter is because I am trying to find others who I can connect with.
This past year has been extremely difficult. I remember ever since high school hearing voices and seeing things that are not real. Only when I went to college did both of these symptoms worsen.
In regards to the voices I hear; there are two main voices which overpower the rest. During my early days when studying my generals, I referred to them as ‘Kat’ and ‘Dog’. Kat is one of the few female voices I hear. It sounds very similar to my biological mother’s voice.
Kat is an asshole. Often she will say evil things and tell me ‘to kill myself. You deserve to die. You are the reason why your parents killed themselves’. Kat often will be the reason why I cut or try to commit suicide (I have failed 3 times).
Dog as I call him; tends to be more positive. Will protect me from Kat. The only bad thing about Dog is that he is mischievous. Will be silly. Try to get me to do funny or stupid things. His voice is a man’s voice. Deep. One that soothes me. Everything changes when Kat becomes jealous and wants attention. She will attack Dog and they will fight.
The toughest part about being diagnosed or even this past year while my symptoms worsened were the hallucinations. For example, I will see shadows racing, running; they will try to kill random strangers or pedestrians around me. I’ve witnessed children wearing masks holding knives.
When I am trying to go to sleep. A young woman in a bloody dress will appear at the foot of my bed. She will crawl on top of me. It is the scariest shit I have ever seen. Hooks for clothes will turn into sea creature like tentacles.
All of these experiences have caused me to remove all of my social media. Become isolated and alone. I don’t like going out unless it is an absolutely necessity. I would rather sleep and hide under my covers. What is worse, is that I am unable to get medication specifically to treat these symptoms.
My insurance doesn’t start until December and the soonest date that I could get for a new psychiatrist was January 17th. My family physician has given me something for sleep and anxiety but that is all they can do until January 17th.
I need guidance on how to operate and get through this period of my life. I am stuck. I am desperate. I am scared. I feel myself slipping. My own family including my spouse have told me to get over it. That mental illnesses such as schizophrenia is not real. I have no support network.
Please if you read this message. Reply with advice. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org and phone number is 320-291-2176.