Dead, Alive, or Surviving

Wake up, check for a pulse, no heartbeat,
Automatic transmission, machine based,
Terminator; afraid of my own reflection,
Ask myself if I bleed, is that a sign?
No revelation sent nor received,
Can’t figure out if I am alive,
Dead or barely surviving,

Played on repeat, told I am lucky,
Escaped an abusive household,
Molested as a child,
Drug addicted mother,
Parents overdosed on their own supply,
Number 1 crack commandment,
Don’t get high on your own supply,

Just because you escape,
Doesn’t mean you survived,
Scars caused by alcohol bottles,
Fists, belts, an unstoppable rage,
Eternally tormented
Turned my insides out,
Aftermath of a genocide,
Plays on repeat,

Wake up, check for a pulse, no heartbeat,
Automatic transmission, machine based,
Terminator; afraid of my own reflection,
Ask myself if I bleed, is that a sign?
No revelation sent nor received,
Can’t figure out if I am alive,
Dead or barely surviving,

Adopted when I was 10,
Thank God everyday,
Sill waiting for an explanation,
Why did She let two grown man,
Penetrate me by force,
Maybe I am not as valuable,
As religious fanatics claim,

Doctors explanation,
Diagnosis; Schizophrenic,
Taught English in Yemen,
Bombs dropped from the sky,
Bullet hole filled walls,
Only way of surviving,
Blend in; greet with salaams,

Wake up, check for a pulse, no heartbeat,
Automatic transmission, machine based,
Terminator; afraid of my own reflection,
Ask myself if I bleed, is that a sign?
No revelation sent nor received,
Can’t figure out if I am alive,
Dead or barely surviving,

Figures hiding in shadowy depths,
Hallucinations confuse me;
Not sure what is real,
Voices in my head, whispers in my ear,
Are they coming from my professor,
Adviser, lover; I can’t tell,

It doesn’t get better,
Tie the noose tighter,
No one will miss you,
At first, I ponder,
Before I jump, one last song,
Sam Smith’s voice saves me,

Wake up, check for a pulse, no heartbeat,
Automatic transmission, machine based,
Terminator; afraid of my own reflection,
Ask myself if I bleed, is that a sign?
No revelation sent nor received,
Can’t figure out if I am alive,
Dead or barely surviving,

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