Faith · Hip Hop Influenced · Life · Love · Personal Battles · Religious · Youth

Dear God, I Am Not Afraid To Admit

I pray that this piece helps those who are questioning life, struggling, or who are thinking about leaving Islam.

Everyday something tries to kill me,
Yet, I am still here,
Even with this being true,
I struggle and so does my faith,

When I read His book,
My mind became infatuated,
I wanted to embrace Him,
One specific verse,

“Allah intends for you ease and does not intend for you hardship.” (Qur’an, 2:185)

I didn’t know what this meant,
Standing on South African soil,
My mind could not comprehend,

After years of learning about You,
Trying to fix myself before I wreck myself,
To this day, if I see or smell alcohol,
Memories of broken bottles,
My hands feel the inside of my pockets,

Missing the feeling of getting high on a daily basis,
Wishing to get away from the daily grind,
I substituted short fixes by reading your book,
Over and over, sometimes listening to recitations,

Even while I sit here today,
My mind thinks about the stories I read,
How it is a known fact that Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him),
Always resisted any tendency toward religious excessiveness,
He once said to his close companion Abdullah ibn Amr:

“Have I heard right that you fast everyday and stand in prayer all night?”
Abdullah replied: “Yes, O Messenger of God”
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
“Do not do that. Fast, as well as, eat and drink.
Stand in prayer, as well as, sleep.
This is because your body has a right upon you, your eyes have a right upon you,
Your wife has a right upon you, and your guest has a right upon you.” (Al-Bukhari, 127)

I keep telling myself that this religion,
Was meant to be easy, simple, and for all of humanity,
Every time I bleed, I tell myself it is for a reason,
Yet, I keep making mistakes,
After listening to teachers, individuals who call themselves scholars,
Condemning others for not being as pious,

“Facilitate religious matters to people and do not make things difficult.
Obey each other and do not differ amongst yourselves.” (Al-Bukhari, 69)

If you want to condemn me, go right ahead,
I’m a child born out travesty, praying to His majesty.
Been to hell and back, paid the price,
Genetically engineered to be a future alcoholic,
Fate tapped me on my shoulder handing me PTSD,

Everyday, more and more people become apostates,
As religious intolerant souls show distaste,
Never trying to understand what it is like for individuals,
Who choose to enter instead of being born into,
Try wearing a head scarf to a conservative Christian home,
Located in the Bible Belt,
One day praying to Mecca in front of Mormon parents,

While bombs drop on Yemeni and Syrian children,
Al Shabaab and Boko Haram kidnap school girls,
Muslims fighting for the right to pray,
We see individuals with the strength to carry on,
For others it too much, quitting seems like a better option,

Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said,
“[The Angel] Gabriel came to me and gave me the good news,
‘Verily, whoever dies amongst your Ummah without associating anything with Allah will enter Paradise.’”
The Companion Abu Dharr (may Allah be pleased with him) asked in shock,
“Even if he committed adultery and theft?”

And the Prophet said, “Even if he committed adultery and theft.”
Abu Dharr asked again, “Even if he committed adultery and theft?”
And the Prophet said again, “Even if he committed adultery and theft.”
And, still, Abu Dharr said, “Even if he committed adultery and theft?”
And, again, the Prophet said, “Even if he committed adultery and theft” (Sahih Muslim)

It doesn’t matter if you are the most imperfect or sinful person,
As long as you believe in God and associate nothing,
Not money, sexual gratification, or another deity,
You got a chance,

This is not the answer Islamic ‘thinkers’ give,
Nor the answer scholars reply with,
I have days when I don’t want to get out of bed,
I have days wishing for death to befall me,
Depression and suicidal thoughts,

When I visit the masjid, after not attending for some time,
Brothers try to educate while simultaneously embarrassing me,
Imagine, he or she just came to pray,
Trying to re-connect on a spiritual level,
You are focused on correcting and showing how much better you are,
Ignoring the pain that sister or brother has in their eyes,
Instead scolding them for not believing in six matters:

Belief in Allah, His angels, His books, His Messengers, the Last Day, and Divine Decree,
Our submission (external action) entails five matters:
Testifying to believing in Allah, praying the five daily prayers, giving the required charity,
Fasting in Ramadan, and going to Hajj at least once in a lifetime (for those who are able).

It is not that we do not believe,
Rather it is that struggle claims everyone,
For each person their struggle is unique,
Just as each person’s response to hardship cannot be judged,

While I sit and ponder if I can trust you,
The sister who walked to her car was assaulted,
Barely able to breathe when the sight of a Mosque appears,
Due to the place she was assaulted was in the Mosque parking lot,

Muhammed, salla Allaahu ‘alaihe wasallam,
In the hadeeth reported by his noble and pure wife,
‘Aishah, radiya Allahu ‘anhu, who said;
“Whenever the Prophet, salla Allaahu ‘alaihe wasallam,
Has a choice between two matters,
He would choose the easiest,
Unless it is sinful (act)” [Bukhari]

Whether you live in Saudi Arabia or America,
Everything is against you,
Shaitan tries to knock you off your game,
Whispering excuses in your ear,

The hearers said, “The reward of fifty of them, Messenger of Allah!”
He replied, “The reward of fifty of you.”
A companion said about this difference in reward,
“Now you find people helping you to do good deeds,
But then they will not find things to help them,
But they will find things to resist and oppose them.” [Tirmidhi]

Yes, I am imperfect but that does not give you the right to judge,
Whether she works the pole, or he deals crack,
As long as the smallest of mustard seed shines,
You always got a chance,

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