An Act Never Forgotten

Tell me how I am supposed to feel,
If someone gave me a time machine I would turn back the hands of time,
Been trying to trick my mind,
Over and over repeating ‘fuck it’, it happened,
But it doesn’t help my mind feel at ease,
Nor my heart feel safe and secure,

What I worry most is that because of my gender,
Because I am male, gender norms will be applied,
That no one will believe me and I will be labelled a liar,
This line of thought reminds me of a story I read,
In which a 15 year girl was raped,
Came home and told her mother that ‘I am not a virgin’,
Her mother washed the ripped and dirty clothing,
Carrying on like nothing happened,

This city, this place,
St. Cloud is not safe,
Men and women who attend school are in danger,
Campus security, streetlights,
In broad daylight,
It doesn’t matter,
National Crime Victimization Survey asked 40,000 households about rape and sexual violence,
The survey uncovered that 38 percent of incidents were against men,

This shit happens,
And it was not a dream,
All I wanted to do was go to class,
I had driven my car countless times,
Parked in the same place multiple days,
Never did I have a problem,

Got out of my car,
Turned towards the passenger seat to grab my cigarettes,
It was at this point my brain froze,
My limbs refused to move,
His hands pressed against my lower back,
Forcibly pushing me into the driver seat,
I should have fought back or at least yelled for help,
Instead I was a coward,
Weak and powerless,

His hands moved down my spine,
Feeling my skin,
He grabbed the back of my pants and lowered them just enough.
He forced himself inside of me,
It was beyond painful,
Not only was I crippled physically,
But emotionally and spiritually I was destroyed,

It lasted for 10, maybe 15 minutes,
In my mind it lasted a lifetime,
His scent I will never forget,
Too much Eternity (Calvin Klein),
Combined with a recent beer binge,

This act of aggression, near madness,
An infliction meant to dominate and cause pain,
It does not go away,
Anxiety, depression, fearfulness, and post-traumatic stress disorder,
As if I didn’t already suffer from them,
Now they have intensified,

In that moment, as the perpetrator violated me,
My father’s hands and his breathe were felt on the back of my neck,
Wishing his funeral occurred after the first time he fucked me,
When the perpetrator finished,
He whispered ‘you better pray I used a condom’,

All I wish to do is avoid as many people as possible,
It had been shock the day after,
Tried to act like nothing happened,
Went out for lunch to prove to myself everything was fine,

To be honest, nothing was okay,
Everything was wrong,
I can’t go back,
Fears have resurfaced,
My future shortened without asking for my permission,

In all honesty, I feel like ‘less of a man’,
That I no longer have control over my own body,
Blame and shame run through my mind,

I should have stopped him,
I blame myself for not stopping him,

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